Jagshamesh!/Transcript
Intro Yami: Yu-gi-oh was filmed on location with the men and women of the Domino City Police Department. Pegasus' Room Pegasus: I can't believe I failed. All I wanted to do was steal an ancient Egyptian artifact, seize control of a billion dollar company, and resurrect my dead wife. And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling- Yami Bakura: Don't you even think about making a Scooby Doo reference! Pegasus: What do you want, Bakura? Can't you see I'm feeling distinctly unfabulous? Yami Bakura: I want your Millennium Eye, so I'm challenging you to a shadow game. Pegasus: But I don't have any cards! Yami Bakura: Cards? Where we're dueling, we don't need cards! We're going to do battle with ancient Egyptian laser beams! (laser beam duel - on screen: THIS ISN'T A JOKE - IT REALLY HAPPENS) Yami Bakura: Hey Pegasus, remember how I said I was going to kill you last? Pegasus: That's right Bakura, you did! Yami Bakura: I LIED! Pegasus: Noo! Don't take my Millennium Eye! It goes so well with my outfit! *pop* Ahh! That's the wrong eyeball you fool! Yami Bakura: Oh...sorry *pop* Pegasus: That's much better. (intro theme) Dungeon Yugi: Hey, Croquet. What happened to Pegasus? Croquet: Mr. Pegasus is feeling under the weather. Yugi: He looks kinda dead. Croquet: Well he's not. Now excuse me I have to go sandpaper my throat. Joey: I can't believe Pegasus is dead! Tristan: He died as he lived: draped in the arms of another man. Tea: Let's go snoop through his things. Pegasus' Room Joey: Man...that is one girl I'd like to play card games with - and by play card games I mean have sex. Tristan: Pretty! Tea: Look it's Pegasus' blog! Reading this should allow the writers to fill in a bunch of plot holes! (reading) January 12th. Mood - fabulous. Darling Cecilia, I still remember the... (Pegasus' voice takes over) Flashback Pegasus: ...first day we met. You were the second most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on. The first was me of course. We fell in love instantly. We decided to get married. Then when we were standing at the altar, something very unexpected happened. You exploded. Yeah...that was kinda weird. In my grief, I took a trip to Egypt, because that's what people do when they're grieving - they go to Egypt. Little did I know my destiny was waiting for me right around the corner. Shadi: Jak sie masz! My name is-Shadi. And in my country of Egypt, we no longer use slave to build pyramid. Now we make women do it instead. Itz nice. If you come with me, I will show you why I hang donuts from my ears. Pegasus: I followed him into an underground chamber filled with ancient artifacts. Shadi: Jewish peoples are always trying to come in here and steal my Millennium Items. Since you are not Jew, I will let you have this one. It will grant you the power to see into people's minds. Itz nice. Pegasus: The Millennium Eye gave me the power to see into the world beyond. At long last I was reunited with you, my love. I thought my dreams had finally come true. But then you exploded again. You really need to stop doing that. (end reading) Pegasus' Room Tea: It says here that Pegasus found a way to bring Cecelia back from the dead using the Millennium Items and KaibaCorp's virtual technology. Man I've read fanfics that make more sense than this crap! Yugi: Look, Pegasus must've released grandpa's soul. This is super special awe- Joey: (goes down stairs) Would you stop sayin supa special awesome? It stopped being funny 15 episodes ago. Stairs to Pegasus' Room Yugi: (chases after Joey) Oh you did not just say that. Get back here nobody disses my catch phrase. Huh? What the hell's going on? Shadi: There has been a great disturbance. Someone has stolen a Millennium Item. It was probably this little Jew boy. He must be hiding his horns underneath all that hair. I will use my Millennium Key to probe his mind. Just give me a minute. Inside Yugi's mind Shadi: Wow-wow-wee-wah. The Jew's mind has been divided into two separate chambers. One looks like it belongs to a little boy - a very untidy little boy. If he lived in my homeland of Egypt, he would be stoned to death for his insolence. This other room is very mysterious. It gives me funny feeling in my Krham. Yami: Who the devil are you supposed to be? Shadi: Jak sie masz! My name is-Shadi. I'm here to persecute those who would steal my Millennium Items. Yami: Um... ok. Shadi: I like you do you like me? Yami: No. Look I didn't steal anything. But if it will set your mind at ease then have a look around. By the way have you ever seen Labyrinth? Shadi: No, why? Yami: No reason. (Shadi explores the maze. "Magic Dance" by David Bowie plays.) Yugi: Don't worry, I'll save you! Shadi: This little boy has saved me. Perhaps he is not as Jewish as I had first suspected. Yugi: What is this place? Shadi: 5000 years ago, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power. These shadow games were played with real monsters and real magic. But these games erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the world. And so all the monsters were locked away, inside these stone tablets. Yugi: Are you trying to tell me this show actually has a plot? (Dark Magician appears) Shadi: Ah no! You have angered the Dark Magician! Our only hope is to summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Yugi: No, don't! Shadi: Why not? Yugi: That's Kaiba's monster, I'm not gonna let myself get saved by that. Dark Magician! You are not a gun! You are who you choose to be! Now choose! (Dark Magician disappears) Shadi: Wow-wow-wee-wah. This little boy and his obscure movie reference has saved us both! He must be the one the prophecy spoke of. Stairs to Pegasus' Room I apologize for screwing with your head. It turns out that you are the chosen one. Now I must return to Egypt, even though I have not found the one who stole my item. Remember, the fate of the world rests on your tiny little shoulders. Tinqui! (Ginkwi!) Dueling Arena Bakura: Mokuba! Can you hear me? Wake up! Mokuba: Uh...Who the hell are you? Are you the angel of death? Yugi: Aw, isn't that cute, Mokuba thinks he's dead. Croquet: Yugi Muto. You are now officially King of Card Games. As winner of the Duelist Kingdom tournament, I bestow upon you this extremely girly card. Also here's 3 million dollars. Joey: Yoink! (takes money) Tristan: Now you can pay for your sister's operation! Joey: Screw my sister I have money! Croquet: You each have 5 minutes to get off the island before we release the hounds. Castle courtyard Mokuba: Big Brother. Where are you? I'm starting to develop abandonment issues! Yugi: Oh face it kid, Kaiba never loved you. (Seto Kaiba appears at doorway) Mokuba: Uh..Seto! It's you! And you're smiling! (crying) Stop smiling big brother it's really creepy! Joey: Kaiba's smiling! That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Yugi: Whenever Kaiba smiles, a puppy dies. Kaiba: Yugi. Because of the circumstances, our last duel was not conclusive. Perhaps the next time we duel we will finally learn which of us is truly superior. Yugi: In case you haven't noticed, I'm the King of Card Games. And besides, I already beat you in the first episode. Kaiba: What's your point? Yugi: My point is you're never going to beat me. So just get over it. Kaiba: I hate you so much. Come on Mokuba, we're going to have our own tournament. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the tournament. Yami: Well done, Yugi. We saved the world. And more importantly, we rubbed it in Kaiba's face. Yugi: Yeah by the way who the hell are you? Yami: I have had many names. Once I was known as Pharaoh. Then I was known as the artist formerly known as Pharaoh. But you can call me Yami. Yugi: I thought your name was Ate- Yami: Sssh. Don't spoil it now! Joey: I just realized! Now that the tournament's over, we have to go back to school! Tristan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (on screen: g'bye to Duelist Kingdom) Stinger Yami: It's time to dddd-ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd Yugi: STOP!!! *crickets chirping* Hospital Room Grandpa: Quick! Someone fetch a bed pan! Oh too late..